Trigger warning: Mention of suicide and self-harm.
09 December 2025—The events that transpired on this day was one of the most excrutiating experiences I had in my whole life.
Akala ko naexperience ko na lowest point ko in life noon, pero sabi nga ni Homer Simpson kay Bart noon sa The Simpson’s Movie: “Worst day of your life, so far.” HAHA so ayon, nabreak nya record ko. I experienced a new low.
For the real homies out there who know, hindi ko first time magkaron ng attempt. Hindi rin second time. Hell, I owe my one of my bestfriends Aubrey and my sister big time for traumatizing them with those events. Way back then, I really want to do it.
Hopeless, alone, and helpless. Pero there was something different this time. Mas mahirap syang i-deal with. Almost a decade of psychotherapy and six years of continuous medication dealing with Bipolar Disorder II changed something in me.
Na para bang ayoko pang mamatay. Ayoko lang ng buhay na ganito. Ayoko ng buhay ko ngayon. I just want to live differently. I want out. Hindi ito ang dank memes ang solusyon. And I need help, I was genuinely crying for help.
So I tried to seek help. I was really afraid of what I am capable of doing. Ready na ako eh. Isang pitik na lang kumbaga, wala na. Tapos na. I was so sure that I will do it in the next 24 hrs at very least. I was sleepless and anxious. Sabi ko, "Huh, so eto na pala talaga yon."{1}. My mind was set, I was making peace with myself and everyone else. In my mind, nakaset na lahat pati yung will and note ko na nakalagay lang sa desktop ng laptop ko along with my passwords and whatnot. Familiar protocol kasi nagawa ko na before to. Pero this time, pinipigilan ako nung "ayoko pang mamatay" na thought. I burst out crying until magang maga na mata ko. I came into terms. I saw my mom's helpless concerned look na parang tanggap na rin nya na pag umalis sya ng bahay to go to work, masaklap na scenario na ang madadatnan nya. I recently talked to a friend who lost a sibling via suicide. Tumatak yung sinabi nya sa akin na, "NGL, ineexpect na rin naman namin to na mangyari anytime given their circumstances and history pero sobrang sakit pa rin." Iniisip ko na ganyan din ang iniisip ng family ko sa akin. Kaya they really want me to stay close. Ayaw nila ako masyadong malayo at inaccessible.
Sa sobrang lala ng iyak ko, nakatulog ako. Paputol-putol yung tulog. Di ko rin talaga napansin na nakatulog ako. May konting clarity pagkagising ko. And I decided na gusto ko na magpa-admit sa psych ward. I genuinely want to get out of my room in our house dito sa Lucban. The way the voices were getting louder, the way na sobrang accessible ng implements ko, was scaring the fuck out of me. I talked to Glynis kung paano ang process at ano mangyayari. I was ready to go to the National Center for Mental Health para iadmit ako ni Gly don. However, wala kasing magd-drive sa akin from Lucban to Mandaluyong. Wala rin ako tulog so I can't physically force myself to drive for 4 hours. Natulog muna ulit ako until around 5 PM may energy na ako to drive. I contacted close friends to help me pumunta sa ward. Ayoko kasi na parents ko ang magdala sa akin don. My mom especially kasi she's a social worker dito sa LGU ng Lucban. In her words nga, "nagdadala kami ng mga pasyente dyan", with a judgemental look na parang di sya makapaniwala na isa na sa mga anak nya ang kasunod na dadalhin don. Masyadong heartbreaking for her yon. I love my mother and I don't want her involved. I contacted close friends na pwedeng maghatid/sundo sa akin don. Salamat sa no questions asked g agad Kim Bau. Sorry napa-worry din kita labyu HAHA. Kay Jun din na willing ma-hassle just to help me. Salamat sa inyo. I informed my psychiatrist via viber of my plans to admit while constantly talking to Gly, updating her of my situation and decision. Arcel offered to help din na ihatid ako sa Mandaluyong since post sya that day, pero di na rin feasible since di nya ako mapi-pick up the next day kasi pre naman sya. I assessed the situation and decided na hindi na lang magpa-admit. I realized that the mere fact na lumabas ako ng bahay was enough to mitigate my emotions, and additionally, if na-admit ako of minimum 3 days, magco-compound mga problema ko since I have to do stuff for the remainder of the week. I ended up staying at Arcel's place that night, who, despite being pre by 6 AM, talked to me until 3 AM. Sobrang salamat and highly appreciated ko existence mo mhie. Thank you for having my back since 2010. I’m really thankful for all my friends who responded. Especially kay Glynis and kay Arcel who supported me and stayed with me throughout the next 24 hrs. Di ko sya maitatawid kung wala kayo huhu. Crisis averted.
The following day, I had to drive to BFAR-NFDC in Dagupan City to gather data for my experiment sa MS. This was the original intent of my trip that week. Main agenda na dapat di ko ma-miss kasi matagal na syang overdue. If ma-miss ko to, maje-jeoperdize MS ko.
I needed to capture some pictures, interviewed the lab personnel, and take some notes and observations para sa project na gagawin ko for an INC sa isang coursework ko the previous semester.
And dito kinuha tong pics na to.
I went to the lab late. Mga 3 PM na ata yon kasi natulog ako ng umaga since whole night I was driving from Manila. This picture siguro encapsulates a moment I want to cherish and remember.
Kasi amidst all the chaos sa utak ko, the struggles, yung pagbigay and give up mismo ng katawang lupa ko, and the contemplations in life, nung nagla-lab work ako, I was actually in peace. Nothing else but peace. Focused ako sa ginagawa ko, walang distractions, nakakangiti at nakakapagbiruan ako sa staff.
Peace.
It was calm.
It felt good.
It felt right.
And on that moment, I had an epiphany: "Eto na siguro yon"{2}. I was burnt out multiple times this year. The burn out was enough to kill the drive to do things, care about things, and even physically move. I was in a “bahala na” and “go with the flow” state—aimlessly wondering without any intent and drive. Nung nasa lab ako, a spark was ignited triggering memories of a 9-year-old Sheen browsing science kits sa Toy Kingdom worth 250-300 pesos na I know we can’t afford that time. Nung nakatanggap ako non one christmas I remember I was so excited and happy na gumagamit ako ng pipette, plastic test tubes at beakers, and actual chemicals na nagc-cycle ng colors pag pinaghalo in a specific way. I realized na if nakita ako ni 9-year-old Sheen doing science and engineering in a lab ngayon, feel ko maiinggit sya at the same marami syang tatanungin sa akin. Grade 3 Sheen would be proud kasi sa public school kung saan ako nag-elementary, Science was not taught until Grade 3. Tuwang tuwa ako learning stuff I only see sa Sineskwela at Knowledge Channel. And it tapped some memories I thought I forgot na long ago. I tapped into the energy elementary Sheen was giving me. I revisited my passion sa science and math that made choose Pisay over seminaryo in the first place.
And just like that. Nahanap ko bigla yung kailangan ko marinig or maexperience that time. I was confused, lost, and hopeless pero the fact na naalala ko na "teka, lang, gusto ko nga pala to? Bakit hindi ito ang ginagawa ko?". I was looking for a sign kung nasa tama pa ba akong path. And eto na nga yun.
I was finally motivated.
That night after the lab work, di ko na matanggal sa utak ko yung mga realizations ko habang labwork. I even had an idea during that session na pwede maging thesis topic. For reference lang din, I was struggling to settle for a thesis topic sa MS kasi first, wala akong funding; pangalawa, wala na ako masyado access and resources since I resigned sa DOST-MIRDC. My previous topics were anchored sa projects ko sa MIRDC but then again, di na ako affiliated don. Anyway, I proposed my thoughts to Dewitt, my advisor. Tapos around 1 AM that night nag-reply sya agad. And lo and behold, pwede daw!
HAHAHA! Kingina, wala sa agenda ko magkaron ng topic that trip pero grabe! Malaking bagay na, na may direction na bigla yung thesis ko sa MS! Everything was suddenly directed. Everything suddenly fell into place. I was gleaming. You have to understand that in a span of 48 hours, I went from magpapakamatay to suddenly thinking of how I will execute my thesis and proceeding to execute the experiment I was gonna do with the data I found. Gumagana na ulit utak ko. It was a wild ride.
So basically, tapos na ako sa Dagupan. I did what I had to do and I was bound na umalis na rin that night. I was contemplating naman kung matutulog pa ako or dumiretso na ako papuntang La Union. For context lang din, I want to watch the sun set sa Elyu. My close friend since HS Gari offered to accommodate me since taga-San Fernando City sya. So ayon, I was thinking if matulog ako that night, late na ako magigising and di ako magiging productive the next day. Pero if dumiretso na ako sa Elyu around 4 AM, makakarating ako before 7 AM in which Gari was offering me breakfast sa bahay nila. While thinking ano next move ko, napansin ko na sobrang dilim talaga sa site. An idea of taking a picture of the night sky crossed my mind since the sky was clear and we were very isolated from any light pollution. The site was intentionally dark since the fish ponds and tanks are sensitive to light. They need to minimize light pollution. Hence, I saw a clear night sky na ibang-iba sa usual night sky mo. Di ko naman first time dito sa Dagupan. I just always thought na, "Ah okay, ang ganda, wala kasi light pollution." However, I recently started experimenting with my phone's camera settings kung kaya nya makakuha ng magandang pics ng night sky.
I was always fascinated with astronomy. Going back to elementary ulit, when we were learning about the constellations nung Grade 6, I always look up in the night sky sa Lucban. For additional context, nakitira kami that time sa isang rural area na detached sa poblacion.
Kailangan mong dumaan sa isang pilapil (for my non-tagalog friends: yung mound ng lupa between rice paddies) para makarating sa bahay namin. It was a narrow ~1 meter wide uneven cemented pathway na kailangan mong itraverse for around ~200 meters bago ka makarating sa bahay (google maps reference below).
Wala pang diversion road non as seen sa pic. Diversion road was opened mga ~9 years after we moved out.
Growing up there, gabi-gabi akong nagkakaron ng opportunity to look at the night sky habang "namimilapil" (traversing the pilapil). I was actively looking for constellations and was trying to locate them and name them from memory kasi nabasa ko sya sa Almanac for Kids na books that my titos and titas give me.
Pero even way back pa noon, interesado na ako sa astronomy. I remember seeing my first shooting star noong kindergarten ako and it sparked my interest na din na laging tumingin sa sky in hopes of seeing another shooting star at magkaron ako ng wish. HAHA.
Sabi ko nga lagi non, gusto ko maging astronaut kasi sino ba namang hindi gusto nung time na yon di ba.
Entering Pisay only fueled my interest in astronomy. Sa Pisay kasi may club akong sinalihan don called AstroSoc which offers various learnings and activities na di mo normally maeencounter sa IS (Integrated Science) at ES (Earth Science) classes na tine-take namin noong 1st Year HS.
AstroSoc taught me a lot about the night sky in general, how to use telescopes, yung terminologies, even pagmeasure and paglocate ng mga specific points sa sky. By second year I was an active member, and naituturo ko na yong learnings na yon sa younger kids by teaching them and participating sa pagbabantay ng telescopes during national astronomy week.
I really have to give Sir Llaguno credit for sharing his passion sa amin. I owe you one sir.
I always read that the milky way galaxy was visible sa naked eye. Di ko naman makita kasi ang polluted ng NCR tapos pagumuuwi naman ako sa Lucban, maulap usually. I tried for so long na i-spot sya with my naked eye but to no avail. Long story short, I have forgotten to admire the night sky which fueled my imagination way early on pa.
In that night sa Dagupan, I tried to just take a picture of the clear night sky as usual. With my subjects being the Orion constellation kasi sya yung manali i-spot and peak din sya during this season sa hemisphere natin. I was trying to capture a long exposure shot, and played around din with the settings.
Satisfied naman na ako. Pero I was thinking baka may astronomic event today, baka lang naman maka-tyempo. To my surprise, meron nga! Ongoing ang Geminid meteor shower! The peak of the meteor shower was the next night, so sabi ko shet I need to keep my eyes peeled baka makakita ako ng shooting stars ulit.
I used my Star Walk 2 app sa phone to locate Gemini (the meteor shower's name comes from the constellation kung san sila radiant, other term for point of origin). Coincidentally, nakatutok na pala yung phone ko don! Gemini was actually beside Jupiter that time (which btw madali ma-spot kasi big bright dot na di nagbblink).
Coincidentally din, I was staring something na di ko napansin agad. I was wondering sa pictures ko, wala namang light pollution, pero bakit may bright white cloud na nagrradiate sa gitna ng photo ko. Akala ko, noise or bug or limitations lang ng phone camera ko. Pero hindi. When I looked
sa star map. It was there. I could not believe it. Tiningnan ko ulit yung actual night sky. To my shock and disbelief. I finally saw it. The milky way. Yung akala kong thin clouds lang stretching from horizon to horizon. It was fucking there the whole time. Staring at me. Waiting for me to notice it.
It took me a star map to notice na nasa field of view na sya ng camera ko. I tried taking a photo ulit. And this is what I got. Slightly edited to enhance contrast pero this was taken using my phone. The fucking milky way.
I was asking for signs kung ano na gagawin ko sa life. I was asking for guidance. And natanggap ko na sya. I took the events that transpired the past 12 hours that time as the sign I was looking for. Lahat sinasabi:
Everything that fueled me dati—before college, before the onset of my Bipolar Disorder—was presented to me that night to remind me of who I was and who I am. As a cherry on top na lang din, I saw a total of seven shooting stars that night. Syempre mahirap icapture yon. I saw what I saw. I was content and finally relieved. Tangina. Laban.
I came to Dagupan to gather data for my INC coursework. I left with not only data, but with a sense of direction. I was finally starting to believe in myself again. That morning twilight, I continued my journey to Elyu to meet Gari. After catching some sleep, we immediately headed to an obscure, less touristy place in San Juan beach. I took these pictures of the sunset.
I took a heavy breath as the sun sets. Poetically signalling the end of my trip that week and personally associating this as the end of this comeuppance my body and mind experienced after months of neglect and unhealthy habits. Sumigaw ako pagkalubog ng araw. Nag-rant at umiyak kay Gari, my first friend sa Pisay at HS in general and finally let go of the things my mind was being burdened of. In the last image of the sunset above, I even jokingly said na: "mukhang phoenix oh". Half-jokingly laughing pero the other half romanticizing the poetic moment na nakikita ko.
I started that trip intending to lock myself up in a psychiatric ward to save myself from my thoughts. I ended proceeding as scheduled with my errands. Di ko man nagawa yung original intention ko, pero I came home with something even better:
Happy New Year sa ating lahat. Especially sa akin. Di ko man ako makagraduate next year, at least alam ko na gagawin ko. I learned things about myself—my limitations, boundaries, and capabilities. In the end, at least alam ko na. Lalaban tayo. Malayo pa pero malayo na. At least okay and content ako... so far.
P.S. Eto proof of life with my beloved emotional support cat, Rocky.
